- When is Santa’s favorite time of year? The flalalalalalalala days
- What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
- The Three Wise Men sound very generous but you’ve got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.
- Christmas is rubbish. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
- The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” was the reply.
“That not illegal!. How early were you shopping?”
“Before the store was open.”
- How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
- Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
‘ What denomination?’ asked the clerk.
‘Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?’ said Maria, ‘Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.’
- The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus
- Did u kiss santa? No I just slept with him. I made Santa say Ho Ho Ho.
- Father Christmas: What’s your favorite Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You mean ‘The Three Little Figs’.
- Three Wise Women
(as opposed to Three Wise Men)
Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?
The WOMEN would have:
– Asked directions, – Arrived on time,
– Helped deliver the baby,
– Cleaned the stable,
– Made a casserole, and
– Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)
- Lisa thanks her grandpa, “Thank you Grandpa for the violin you gave me last year for Christmas. I’ve never got such a brilliant gift!”
“Really?” asks the surprised Grandpa.
Lisa says, “Oh yeah – every time I start playing, mom gives me 2 dollars so I would stop!”
- Two women are chatting, “I took my husband to the Christmas market yesterday,” says one of them. “And, did someone want to buy him?” asks the other.
- What did the reindeer say when he was spotted one Christmas Eve by Little Johnny?Nothing, reindeers don’t talk.
- Mum, are we going to have Grandpa Joe for Christmas?
No, darling, Just the turkey.
- Seriously, I wonder why Santa still uses reindeer to draw his sleigh every year. From what I understand, reindeer really suck at drawing.